Tantrums, a path to autonomy

They are one of the trances that most disorient us: explosive scenes of rage or disgust, with crying, screaming and uncontrolled movement. Are they inevitable? How can we fit them in?

If our son or daughter has not yet done so, we have surely seen a boy or a girl in the middle of a tantrum, perhaps ostentatiously, in a supermarket, on the street or at home. Either because the child wants to, or because he does not want something, in a few minutes that child who seemed happy or simply calm, suddenly screams, cries and seems not to be able to contain his anger. Tantrums not only exist, but are common in children between one and a half and three years old, approximately.

Around the age of two, the child is at a stage of development in which he is no longer that baby who permanently needs the figure of bonding, but he is also not autonomous or independent enough to be able to manage only his feelings and actions. That is why he must begin to differentiate himself from the adult, and at the same time he still needs it as a source of affection and containment. Often, this generates emotional tensions and conflicts in the relationship with the adult, and can lead to the explosion of a tantrum.

Another characteristic of this age is the famous “no” of two years. Why do they say no to everything that is proposed or asked of them? Simply because they are saying: “I am not you, I am me“. They don’t know who they are yet, but they already know who they’re not. They do not challenge the adult, but assert themselves. If adults react to this repeated attempt at affirmation as if it were a confrontation or a personal attack, the child will easily feel bewilderment and tension between his internal need and the reaction it provokes.

The disgust and anger are very showy, but they hide a demand for help from the child. The more felt the tantrum, the more it needs containment and affection.

Internal experiences

When we talk about internal experiences, we are referring to the emotions and feelings that the child experiences. They are the accumulation of experiences, with all the emotional effects they produce, which they internalize, the result of the way of being, perceiving and relating to the world. To the extent that they are learning to manage them, they also live with poorly controlled attitudes. Behind an aggression is the emotion of anger, and, probably, anger and sadness. Giving them words and resources to discover these emotions hidden behind an attitude, showing them management models, accompanying and containing them while they learn to self-regulate, is our task as adults.

The first years of a child’s life are essential to establish secure emotional bonds with the adults of reference. This bonding model is achieved when the adult responds to the baby’s basic needs, both physical (hunger, diaper change, sleep…), and emotional (contact, arms, permanent communication…). It is important to understand that this secure bond, established with father and mother, will help the child to feel recognized, to know that he can count on a loving adult by his side, who accompanies him as he grows. This message that the child integrates will be essential to be able, later on, to self-regulate on his own, for example, in the face of a growing discomfort that, some time ago, would cause a tantrum to explode.

Between 18 and 30 months, it may seem that the guidelines we give children have no effect, because they have to be repeated many times. To a large extent this is the case, because every time he repeats the action to which the adult may get angry or say no, he is learning something new and different from the one learned in the previous situation: the tone of voice of the adult, the face he makes, what limit of patience he has, what reaction he will have… This sequence, although it may seem like it, does not consciously seek any learning, but it obtains it, and it needs it to grow.

From the age of 3 or 4, children begin to integrate the instructions we give them, and they also seek the approval of the adult, because they no longer perceive the world from an absolutely self-centered vision. This evolution usually leads to a more peaceful family coexistence.

Behind the tantrums

When episodes of tantrums and what we can consider bad behavior are frequent, and very exhausting, we can opt for a reaction based on punishment as a consequence and reward as a stimulus. But this type of management does not allow us to see the causes of these behaviors, the emotions that have activated the tantrums. Often, disgust and anger are very showy, but they hide a real demand for help from the child, and they need to have conscious and affectionate adults who will take their side to release the emotion. The more felt the tantrum, the more the child needs containment and affection.

Therefore, the key is not found in the act itself but in what has moved the child to act in that way. It is important that adults can accept it, and that we avoid judgment and etiquette about the child. We need to let him know that we can understand how he is feeling, and that our affection is not at stake, either before or after the episode. We do not enter into the evaluation of the action he has done if it is not that it can hurt someone or himself, but we can put the words that help him identify it.

“You’re very tired“, “This is too long“, “You wanted that and I didn’t buy it for you”… If he has been able to hurt another or himself, it will be necessary to contain him first (for example, with a hug), and when he is calm, we explain what we do not like and why. Validating the child’s feelings, without judgment or interpretation, is a vote of trust, love, and respect, and is the best help we can give them to grow emotionally healthy.

A good way to prevent tantrums is to avoid stressful or overstimulating situations for children.

A good accompaniment of tantrums, so that the child walks safely towards his autonomy. We have to trust this fact, rather than let ourselves be carried away by the idea that the child manipulates us; Usually, behind a tantrum there is discomfort and pain, more than anything there is no desire for domination or whim.

Beyond the limits

Starting from this respect, we cannot forget that they also need limits. They need it to grow and it is also the task of the adult to try. But they must be coherent limits, limits that the child can understand and integrate. For example, a child can express his anger (each family will decide what his family limit is to do so: he can scream, throw pillows, jump…), but if this expression of anger is harmful to him or to someone else, the adult has to act by restraining him, putting words, “emotions can be expressed but we cannot hurt“, and affectionately hope that the explosion stops. With action, the child will receive a message of love, and awareness that his parents will be by his side when he cannot contain himself alone. According to R. Jové, there are three concepts that affect the limits we have indicated.

Values: are those that the family, school or cultural nucleus considers to be their own, of their ethical and moral essence (ecology, respect, non-violence…).

The rules: they are based on values and are agreements that govern the coexistence of the family (at home we don’t hit each other, at home we recycle, at home we organize ourselves like this…).

Models: are fundamental for the child to be able to integrate values and norms; We know that they learn by imitation and, therefore, they will integrate what they see, much more than what we tell them

How do we adults experience it?

The tantrum, then, is the visible (and ostentatious) consequence of a frustration. But why, beyond being difficult to manage, can it make us lose our nerve? To what extent can it improve or worsen depending on our reaction?

From the outset, it is important that we can be uninhibited: anyone who has experienced a situation of this type may have felt violated, out of control and without resources. But children, more often than we think, are like mirrors to adults, and especially to parents; and our vulnerabilities will probably come to light with intensity in the face of certain attitudes and experiences with children, such as insecurity or the need for control. When we do not distinguish our own “sensitive areas”, activated by our child’s behavior, and we get excessively angry or lose our nerve, we are doomed to end up managing two tantrums: the child’s and our own. On the contrary, positive anger is what can help us detect that a situation or attitude is affecting and bothering us, but it is also the one that we can self-manage to produce a change, and that is what we will be showing in our children: a mature and coherent model of emotion management. Knowing that a child mirrors their parents about some unresolved experiences can help them to become aware and work on them, and doing so responsible will facilitate the accompaniment of children in their growth.

It is important that adults avoid judgment and etiquette about the child; let them know that our affection is not at stake, neither before nor after the episode.

What is our role?

From everything we have seen so far, we know that rebellions are given by an emotional conflict of the child, and to the extent that he can release the emotions with containment and acceptance, it will fade. Therefore, rather than trying to redirect or suppress them (which can generate the opposite effect to the desired one), it is necessary that we find our own capacity to offer time, containment, affection and safe limits while the emotional explosion lasts. Until the age of 3 or 4, as we have mentioned, the child is in a phase of self-affirmation and integration, and cannot yet foresee certain consequences derived from his attitudes. Therefore, a good way to prevent rebellion is to avoid stressful situations or situations that can produce frustration. If we know that going to school, supermarket and doing a long shopping trip with temptations, noise and waiting lines is a situation that overstimulates our child, we can avoid doing the shopping together, or make it smaller, or agree on some other activity that he finds interesting later, or invent a way to collaborate in the purchase, or we may be willing to improvise and finish the purchase when we sense that fatigue and discomfort are already threatening to overflow.

If we look carefully, we will discover in children an innate ability to learn, grow, manage themselves, and esteem. Let them, then, be children when it is their turn, and they will not need to be children when it is no longer time!

The psychologist Rosa Jové proposes a guideline (from the age of 3) of conflict facilitation, in which we offer two variants of what we ask of the child, we give him the possibility to decide and we do not harm either the respect we have for ourselves or our adult needs.

Martí is three and a half years old, he is playing and has no intention of bathing as his mother asks him to. She insists on it and he refuses again. More insistence can end in a tantrum. Then, the mother begins to validate the son’s attitude: “Martí, I understand that you don’t want to go bathing, because you’re having a great time with this game and you shouldn’t want to stop.” Second, he briefly and clearly explains what he wants: “but you’re very dirty, I want you to take a bath before going to sleep.” Thirdly, two options to get there: “Do you prefer, play five more minutes and then go take a bath or take a bath very quickly and then play for a while longer?”

This question needs a while to arrive and to be effective. It is likely that then, after a few minutes, the child will choose one of the two options (and the mother will guarantee that what they had to do is carried out!).

To know a little more…

Jové, Rosa. No tantrums or conflicts.
The sphere of books. Bachelor, Aletha.
My child understands everything. Medici. Samalin, Nancy.
Everyday conflicts with children. Medici. Juul, Jesper.
Your child, a competent person. Herder.

Text: (March 28, 2018) NÚRIA ALSINA PUNSOLA.
Doula, early childhood education teacher, early childhood and parenting specialist, infant massage and infant foot reflexology educator and baby carrier consultant.
www.espaimimam.com (nuria@espaimimam.com)

 

Les rebequeries, un camí cap a l'autonomia

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Les rebequeries, un camí cap a l’autonomia