The baby’s cry

 

” Do I have to catch him if he cries?”, ” Won’t I spoil him?”, “What if he’s kidding me?” … In many meetings of parents, crying is one of the most recurrent and worrying topics, especially when children are not yet able to verbally express what worries or bothers them.

These questions arise because the last generations in our society have been based on the culture of separation from children. From the eighteenth century onwards, the first strollers, wet nurses… Later on, bottles appeared as a common tool in breeding… The groups of that time did not want to be seen with children in their arms, or breastfeeding, so these aspects of upbringing were left for the less socially and economically advantaged groups.

This culture of separation, and certain methods and beliefs that bet on the child not being in contact with the adult, have generated taboos and myths that are what can make us doubt when a child cries… Do we react or pretend we don’t hear it?

Basic needs

To understand the child’s crying, we must first be aware of what their basic needs are, as this will make it easier for us to intuit what they may need.

I wanted to introduce here a fundamental concept to understand the first stage of the baby’s life: extrauterine gestation or the concept of the continuum. Many authors, including Jean Liedloff (1), speak of a concept of continuity between uterine and extrauterine life. Humans are the only mammalian animal that is born totally dependent on the adult, which means that, until 9-12 months when we begin to be minimally autonomous and move alone, we need to be in permanent contact with the maternal figure. As an example, at this stage, if a baby is left alone, he cries, and he does so because he feels alert, since our most primitive brain tells us that if we are alone our life may be in danger.

During the nine months in the womb, children have continuous food, warmth, containment, contact… At birth, they should find an ideal habitat for them, which could continue to provide them with what they had inside the womb. This place is the mother’s body. If we can offer the baby this space, which biologically corresponds to him, we will already be covering, according to Laura Gutman (2), his basic needs:

• Permanent communication: looks, words… the love that the mother brings to the baby.

• Contact: skin-to-skin at birth, the baby’s situation in its biological habitat or once it has been born, massage, caresses… Remember that for the baby, skin is the first language!

• Feeding: it should be a continuous food, on demand, if possible, and keep in mind that breast milk is the one that has the most benefits for both the child and the mother.

The first two years of a child’s life are fundamental for the establishment of the bases of personality. For this reason, if their needs are met, we will be helping them to weave a solid and secure emotional network, which will have an impact on their autonomy, independence and personality. This is why it is really important to meet their demands, of whatever kind.

Why is he crying?

Once we have seen what the basic needs of the child are, especially during the first year of life, we can understand that when one of them is not being met, the baby cries and asks for what he needs. In this regard, Aletha Solter (3) identifies two types of crying:

• Communicative crying: it wants to express some unmet need of the baby, whether physical (feeding, dirty diaper, pain…) or emotional (physical contact, communication, sadness, anger…).
• Healing crying: crying as a release of tension and stress. It is a cry that does not usually calm down with the chest, or the pacifier, or the arms… This crying may be healing their birth, overstimulation, prenatal stress, parental stress…

What can we do?

Depending on the type of crying, the adult may respond in different ways. It would be important to observe the child first to try to find out what he needs and/or what is happening to him. In this case it is interesting to use our intuition to find out. Usually, when a mother connects with intuition and common sense, she usually gets it right what her son’s demand is.

When crying is communicative, it is important to respond as soon as possible to the need that we sense the baby may have, feeding him, tucking him in, holding him…

If the cry is of a healing nature, we will realize because it is a cry different from the others, it seems inconsolable. In fact, it is, because it does not need to be a consulate, but content. In this case, the adult should be able to hold the baby in his arms, or be close, touching him, when he is a little older, and with words and affection show him that we are with him, that he can cry. Usually when the child feels welcomed in crying, he feels calmer, understood and respected, since he is aware that he has permission to cry, and express what he feels.

When adults observe that the child has some physical need, we do not hesitate to give him a reply, we do not question whether to change his diaper, feed him, look for a remedy for his discomfort … On the other hand, when we intuit that the need is emotional or the crying is healing, we have doubts about the type of response to be given.

Should he be left to cry?

If he does it in a contained way, with our calm presence at our side, in our arms… We will allow you to feel welcomed and respected in your needs. It is very different when we let him cry only in a continuous way. In these cases, physically, they secrete cortisol, a stress hormone, since they feel in a dangerous situation. The baby will end up needing cortisol to relax, since he will have learned that, in order to sleep, for example, he needs to enter into an adrenaline dynamic that will then make him relaxed and will therefore be able to fall asleep.

Emotionally, what happens is as serious or more so, since the baby feels that he cannot trust his bonding figures, that they do not give him an answer to what he needs, that they do not take care of him, they do not attend to him… This could later generate a lack of trust in the people closest to them, which can influence the establishment of bonds and future relationships.

How do we live their crying?

Apart from what we have mentioned above, that we come from a culture of separation from the infant, we must also note that we live in a traditionally patriarchal society, a fact that does not favor the possibility of showing emotions openly. Crying in public, men crying, holding a baby in their arms while crying… it is not a usual situation to see. And normally we adults do not feel comfortable.

Fortunately, many educational spaces and many families are becoming aware of the importance of accompanying emotions and what they generate, such as crying. Thanks to this fact, many adults can contain and accompany children in their emotional learning. Even so, we still have a long way to go, since today, we still hear phrases such as: ” He’s already fooled you! Now you’ll always have to pick it up when it cries. So small and look how they manipulate… ». A child will never ask for anything they don’t really need. It is worthy for him that we see it that way and that our attitude is consistent with this fact. To spoil is to raise without love, badly, neglecting… You can’t spoil with love! Follow your instinct, it will not deceive you!!

“If you have to cry, do it. Your mother is with you” Marta and Xevi do not understand why little Luna does not stop crying. They walk her, feed her, change her diaper… but despite that the crying continues. Marta, finally, after looking for one solution after another, connects with her instinct, looks at Luna and says: “If you have to cry, do it. Your mother is with you. I understand that you are anxious because mom has started working and you spend time with grandma, but I will always be with you and I will love you.” Luna continues to cry, more softly… Slowly she loosens her body and surrenders in her mother’s arms.

Let’s put words Whatever the type of crying, we should be able to put words to what we intuit may happen to him, explain what we feel at that moment, that we accompany him and respect him… Putting words is healing, and helps the baby to better understand what is happening around him, what he is feeling, what the mother or father feels and little by little, we help him to differentiate it from what he feels himself.

1: Jean Liedloff: researcher who studied the Yecuana tribe in South America and created the concept of the continuum.
2: Laura Gutman: family psychotherapist specialized in motherhood and parenting. 3: Aletha Solter: PhD in psychology, expert in child emotions, non-punitive discipline and bond-based education

To know a little more…

LIEDLOFF, Jean. The concept of the continuum. Editorial OB STARE. SINGLE,
Aleth., My baby understands everything. Medici Editions.
SMALL, Meredith F. Our children and us. Natural Ageing Collection.
GONZÁLEZ, Carlos. Fill me with pythons. Editorial Angle.

Text: NÚRIA ALSINA PUNSOLA. Doula, early childhood education teacher, early childhood and parenting specialist, infant massage and infant foot reflexology educator and baby carrier consultant.
www.espaimimam.com (nuria@espaimimam.com)

The Swimming Pool

Download the original pdf (in Catlán) :

The Swimming Pool